I wanted to post this old dream that was on fido-net from 1997 before I wrote my course on consciousness. The reason is it has the computer metaphor that we live in an information system as many people think I have this perspective from more modern theories such as the Movie the Matrix which came out in 1999 and Tom Campbells MBT model.
The fact, I have long viewed reality as information and a system of network nodes of awareness using information processing to simulate all experience. This is just to prove a point for the sake of argument. I was before the Matrix, before many of the current Virtual Reality/Simulation theories popularized on the Internet.
JUNE 3, 1997 7:00pm
I have broken up my sleeping pattern here to compare how easier it is to
sleep. When I fell asleep, I still paid close attention to the STAGE TWO
changes because I wanted to observe exactly what was causing
As I fell asleep, I noticed that trying to stay balanced and focussed just
kept me awake. I was OVER ATTENTIVE. I had to relax my awareness because
my body was responding to me thinking and would not sleep. I made a mental
note on working on a technique to get around this. When the hypnogogic
imagery kicked in, it started in black and golden yellow triangular clouds
moving in circular patterns. This was all I remember. The clouds have
always induced a hypnotic effect on me causing sleep.
There was a point where I think my body fell asleep, and I was still
semi-conscious but the problem was I was so mentally tired that I just
succumbed into a dream. I may have been OOBE though and missed an
opportunity to explore that state. The shift occurred so fast I never
noticed it and this has happened before. I made another note to remember
sudden shifts like this and be more aware of them.
I did manage to salvage what I dreamt when the alarm went off.
I am sleeping in a house, some people come in, they are female. I can only
see a silhouette of them since the moonlight creates a low luminosity. A
Chinese lady comes into the apartment and she starts stealing my laundry
soap. The women check out the apartment and are considering renting it.
As I wake up, I sit up with the blanked wrapped around me startled at their
presence. I get up and walk outside into a store. My computer is in this
store. It is in a wooden cabinet that I wrap with plastic. The same girls
are there and they are playing on a musical keyboard. A clerk comes over
to me and I ask him, “Do you wants to search the cabinet to make sure I
have not stolen anything?”
“Yeah, I better take a look. Actually, it’s cool your free to go.”, he
I take the computer to my house and wait for my Father. He is supposed to
fix the computer because some part is missing that he took. It is the part
that clocks time for the computer. (I think this was metaphorical of
myself not having my waking logical part of my consciousness with me) My
father doesn’t show and I am angry.
I leave the house and I have to go to a meeting at some restaurant. The
meeting is to discuss certain controls for the Psi-related research I want.
I go to one building but they tell me I am at the wrong place and the
people I want are one building down.
I wander to this building and there is a group of people there. They are
all wearing white T-shirts. I get an introduction but loose the names when
the alarm wakes me. One person catches my eye, he is a man who’s face
suffered some trauma. It looked like he had his face blown off or damaged
in a severe accident. It was healed but he had a difficult time talking
and mumbled. Another person was used to talking to him so he translated.
They were talking about religion and consciousness.”Ian, tell us what you
do when you go to sleep.”, asks the translator.”
Well, usually when I sleep, I enter my dreamstate consciously. I have
lucid dreams and I am as conscious then as I am now.”, I reply. They are
kind of awed by this and interested in what I have to say. “I treat all of
my dreams with another potential of becoming a shared dream. So we could
all be sharing this dream right now. You could actually exist as people I
do not know within that dreamstate.” “Take life for example. It can be
nothing more than a dream. A lot of my dreams come true with the same
detail that this experience has. I could literally wake up, and experience
this event later on in my life.”, I started to intimidate them with my
“Imagine that we all are like computers that log on to a mainframe, or
main computer which networks us all together when we sleep. I simply
upload myself into the mainframe and program what I want to experience, and
the mainframe makes sure that it is all kept in par with time and space.
We all follow the same metaphorical process.“
They asked me to explain the metaphorical meaning this had. I told them
simply that it’s a massive information exchange on a universal scale. I
have an Idea that I am dreaming, but it is subdued by the super-real nature
of this dream. I think that I could be awake and do not want to cross
A women starts talking about a high rolling lifestyle that she was living.
She tells me how she was partying with a singer from some band. For some
reason as she is telling me this, I see her and her friends sitting on top
of a limo as it entered the mansion’s front driveway. I was observing
them from about 100 feet in the air with a birds eye view. My alarm goes
off, I wake up suddenly in shock. I never use an alarm. I wanted to break
my sleeping pattern and I fully remember everything I was dreaming and
thinking before the alarm. Alarms can cause me to have total amnesia, even
if I was fully conscious in a lucid dream, or OOBE.
I break up my sleeping pattern and I go back to bed 45minutes later. I
don’t feel tired so I am skeptical if I will be tired enough to sleep. I
clearly state my logical test. I am clear on my intent and I approach
stage two. Everything starts in a very predictable, normal pattern. My
mind is too active and I start thinking about a few of the issues in my
life right now. My thoughts are on my future, my well being and my
purpose. A surge of some unknown sad emotion hits me and I roll over. The
hypnogogic imagery starts in mosaics of black and yellow triangles. I look
at them and let them flow. I remind myself to keep aware and move through
it consciously. I can’t help thinking about my life, a really negative
wave is hitting me. I try to block it out. I succumb…, “I don’t care.”
Blackness engulfs me.
I am in blackness, barely conscious moving through emptiness. Blue
flashes start to wave past through me. I can’t think, I feel trapped. I
am in the same apartment that I was in my previous dream. I feel really
depressed. There is an emptiness about me. A cold loneliness. I walk out
onto the street and see a friend that I once worked with before I quit my
job named Darcy. She is happy to see me and I smile.
“Hey Ian, how are you?”, she asks as she dances around in her usual funny
I can’t answer, I look at her. Something hurts inside me. I feel like I
am six years old. She looks so beautiful, her long hair flowing magically
down the side of her enhancing her smile and warmth. She starts to change
before my eyes, her cloths change into a sweat shorts and a tank top. She
is in great shape and I admire how tanned she is, and how beautiful her
muscles shape out her shoulders and arms. She is talking to a lady as she
leans on some counter.
She is talking about me, I can’t make out exactly what she is saying.
This wave hits me and I am hurt by it. My stomach is sore. I feel sad.
My head turns away and I feel waves and waves of some strange sadness. I
think to myself that I cannot love her, there is no way I could love her
like a girlfriend. There is no way I want her, need her or desire her
other than a friend. This wave she is sending me, it’s not from her. It’s
deeper than that. I try to source it out and she changes again, growing
older, her face changing, her body loosing it’s youthful shape, she is old,
very old, and I feel the same way towards her, I still love her friendship
and think she is still beautiful. Then I am aware of her in a different
life. That is where this wave comes from, this is what pushes me away from
her. This feeling I always had.
Fragmented memories ghostlike and strange flow through my mind. I am
setting up a bouquet of balloons to celebrate our anniversary and my
stomach starts to hurt. I am very old, and she is there but she is old as
well, and it’s not her. The balloons trigger other memories, I am alone.
Standing empty in a room that is dark and stale. She is gone, everyone is
gone. Such loneliness, I miss her, so sad, so lonely.
I become myself again, and I feel the same sadness but do not understand
it’s source. I start to think about the time Jana left me. And my stomach
hurts more. I fall on my knees and curl on to the ground. The pain
screams through me like echo’s from the past and I don’t understand it. I
don’t know why. I feel so wrong to have loved her, to have cared. People
start to come, and they laugh at me. I feel their thoughts and how happy
they are to see me this way. They are so cold and careless and I look at
them feeling love for them, forgiving them. “I cannot help the way I feel.
I can’t help but to feel love for you all.”, I moan. My love echoing out
from me like sonar, it bounces back rejected and cold. My stomach hurts
even more and I stand up.
I am in a 1850’s style western bar. The people now change in dress and
have guns. A person is insulted that I am there. He hates me for no
rational reason and opens fire. I dive out of the way and roll on the
ground. The bullet hits another patron in the head. I blame myself for
not taking the bullet and feel sorry for the person. He aims again and I
move. The bullet misses. He fires only a couple more before a bullet hits
me in the stomach. I scream in pain.
I look at my stomach and blood pours out of the wound. My stomach cramps
and I scream. He raises the gun to my head and someone grabs him and pulls
him to the ground. I see the blood pouring through my fingers and it hurts
to touch it. The room goes dark and I think, “I am dreaming, this is a
dream. I have been shot in the dream but it feels so real. It is real. I
remember, I was shot for real and I am remembering the pain. I remember
dying from a bullet wound to the stomach.”
Everything becomes clear and I can understand this pain. I know why a
bullet hurts and it makes sense to me. I loose control and think that I
need medical attention. But not in this time. The doctors here don’t
understand medicine and I’ll die. I shift through time and I am at my
current time on the street in the same place I saw Darcy talking to that
“Someone call 911!.” I cry. People just stand around and look horrified
and do nothing. I stagger holding the bleeding wound and see a police man.
I walk to him and ask him to take me to the hospital because I had been
shot and I am dying. “Yeah, sure buddy I’ll take you there in a few
I stand patiently as I feel my life draining through my hands. There is a
robbery at the store and a child is shot in the head. The police man
leaves the scene and I follow him. He starts driving away and I scream at
him to take me to the hospital. I yell, “You fucking pig! Fuck you and
your all your fucking friends! I fucking hope you die!”.
He stops the car and gets out. More cops join. “What’s your fucking
problem punk?”, he asks.
“You, you fucking pig! You said you would take me to the hospital because
I have been shot and I am dying and you fucking just left me to die!”, I
He pulls out a baton and some of the other officers join him. Anger
builds inside me and I change. As they approach I lash out in
self-defense. A wave of black cold energy explodes from my eyes. All of
them fly back from the force of the blast. “Don’t fuck with me! I’ll walk
to the fucking hospital!”
Angry and upset that no one would help, I walk thinking about it all. The
hospital is so far away and I worry about how I will ever make it. I hate
how cold people are. A bat fly’s by my face and I stop. The bat keeps
hitting a piece of barbed wire and I feel sorry for the little thing. I
notice some more bats flying and I look at the side of the road and see all
the beautiful fauna growing elegantly and perfectly. I see this great
weeping willow tree and I walk towards it. It smells like sage, and I take
a deep breath.
“I know I am dreaming.” I announce. Wasps from the tree soon swarm around
me. I create a net and spin it around me creating a shield. “Nothing can
hurt me. I just have been in sleeper’s grog, that’s all.”
The net forms an energy shield around me and the wound heals. “Funny how
an emotional pain seems so unreal and strange because it is hard to
understand why you are hurt when someone you love rejects you. But
physical pain makes more sense because you know what it is doing to you
clearly.”, I think as I start to analyze in the dream, what I dreamt.
“Darcy always weirds me out. I always get this strange feeling around her
and it might be some connection to a past life where I died on her. It
really hurt me when Jana left, and I know I just can’t get close to love
someone that deeply again. Not now. I am happy to be alone. I don’t need
people in my life to be happy. I can freely go where I want and do what I
want now. I don’t want people in my life that I love and adore who share
no similar feelings towards me. It’s not worth the pain I suffer inside.”
The entire dreamfeild is a white arena of light. A part of me reflects on
my desire to have met someone and fall deeply in love, and to share with
them all these dreams, mixed with their dreams. But I feel it is too late
for her who ever she is. I scan my future and feel this lonely road I
walk. Not now, not in this lifetime, not from what I have suffered in the
past relationships I have had. I am a misfit in this world.
I am in Vancouver and Sandra is there. Her eclectic wave of confused love
hits me and I stagger back. I shake my head saddened and I love her. But
there is no point. It’s wasted and I feel like dying. Who wants this
stupid life anyway? And I wake up.