Busy with work so has been hard to journal dreams, I managed to get this one out.
August 7th 2010
This was an interesting dream in terms of the type of awareness it invoked. I am staying at a friends apartment and apparently he does cocaine. He wants me to do some and the drug is something I have never done in real life and in the dream I am also not interested.
We end up having a party there and these amazingly beautiful women were there dressed up in skin tight costumes again, looking very much like Circus du Soleil. They had sparkly face paint on that simply was professionally done with rich gradient hues and interesting lines.
This is the second dream in the last couple of weeks where such beautiful costumes are themed in the dream, so I thought I would make note of it. In the dream I took photographs of all the girls. We party all night and it’s a total blast.
In the morning I wake up all alone in the apartment. I leave to go see where everyone is. In my pocket there is the bag of cocaine and I am shocked that I have it on my person. Afraid that somehow I might get arrested for it I head back to the place where I found it.
In the dream, I am not being tempted to do this cocaine by my inner conscience. “You’ve never tried cocaine, here’s your chance and no one is around to see you do it.”, my inner conscience thinks.
“I don’t even know how much to take, what if I overdose?”, I am engaging my conscience.
“You won’t, just make two lines, one for each nostril.”, my conscience thinks.
I am not even sure on how to do it and not sure I even want to. However my inner conscious is really pressuring me to take this drug which is against my normal waking morals. It even instructs me further, “Get a straw from the kitchen and measure out enough on the table, and create two lines with that razer blade.”
I dip my finger in the bag and taste the white powder. It has a chemically taste, bitter and I don’t like it. “How can anyone snort this crap?”, I complain to my conscience.
I use my iPhone in the dream and Google cocaine overdose and some website links appear. I read that nearly a gram can cause an overdose, and my conscience tells me, “You won’t overdose, just do enough to create two small lines. It’s no big deal, people do it all the time and live.”
I think of my baby daughter and what would happen to her if I die. I think about what my wife would think of me if she found out I did something horrible like this drug. So many consequences race through my mind and my conscience assures me, “You’ll be fine, you need to at least try it once in your life. It may as well be right now.”
“I don’t think that’s a good reason just to do some dangerous chemical, it’s a poison.”, I argue.
This inner struggle goes on until finally I am compelled to listen so I do as my conscience tells me, it is after all my conscience.
I dump a small amount of the drug on a table and cut two lines. I have a drinking straw and I snort one line into one nostril, I can even feel the drug enter and sting in my nose. My eyes start to water and I force myself to do another line which is then interrupted by some person who just sneaks up behind me and I kind of spill what is left.
He’s a younger male, probably in his late 20’s and has short dark-brown curly hair and facial hair.
“What the hell are you doing sneaking up on me, you made me make a mess.”, I tell him.
“What are you doing? Cocaine? I didn’t know you did drugs?”, he says in awe.
“I know it’s stupid but I was compelled to try it at least once.”, I tell him.
“No worries bro, here smoke a joint.”, he then just stuffs a joint in my mouth and I take a few puffs.
The effects of the drugs start to take hold. I start to worry about what I had just done. I was now in shock that at 38 years of age I would be so careless, stupid and juvenile to have taken this drug. I feel a rising pressure in my body and this is where it gets interesting.
I stand up and turn towards the kitchen and take a deep breath through my nose. I feel high and it brings about a strong sense of self-awareness and embarrassment. Because the drug effect in the dream acts as a logical barrier, I become awake in the dream but totally oblivious to the fact I am dreaming because I am now aware that I had done a drugs.
The feeling of self-awareness however is very intense, so intense in fact that I start to realize that I am in an actual state having an experience of reality that has entangled me within a “now” moment. The reality of self becomes a focus point and I put my hands out and touch the walls in the hallway.
I stop and breath, the drug effect is overwhelming but pales in effect to the strong realizations that I am real and that I exist and possess reality. I am sorry that I did the drug and this strong sense of love comes over me, there hallway is dark and illuminates slightly into a hue of pink. There is a strong sense of time, where the animation of the dream feels almost digital and matrix like.
All the grainy textures and natural fractal like patterns found in normal everyday surfaces become emphasized and they become slightly holographic. I feel ashamed that I would ever hurt myself with drugs, but my conscience has also changed, “You have been at this for a very long time.”
“I don’t hate you because you did a drug. The drug is part of the human experience, and you are experiencing what it is to be human. Expect to make a few mistakes along the way.”, my conscience resonates within me.
“What is more important is that you exist, and that you are real. What makes you real, and how you realize it is what matters most.”, my conscience explains.
“You are right, I was only curious but the drug itself has no purposeful meaning. This moment right now, this self-awareness and knowing that I exist is what I really want to experience.”, I think back.
The feeling of love is very strong and calming. The effect of the drug in the dream has triggered a very strange form of lucid awareness that hasn’t allowed me to realize I was dreaming, rather realize that I was awake in reality. A very clever trick. That said, I start to realize that I am somehow creating this reality.
I start thinking about how this reality is a mind-generated holographic projection from within my self. Without me, this reality could not exist, would not exist. I am what makes “this” real and that is why I am here.
It is a very deep thought and the love intensifies as I become very aware of myself in some interesting non-linear and abstract ways remembering a multitude of self-realized moments just like this one. How each moment contributes to what it means to be and exist. It connects me to chronological serialized time and little doses of self-realization that stitch together to form a larger composite of experiences by which I am self-realized in.
I have a very strong knowing about how this “reality” and my own existence within it are because of an ability that I have to produce and create an expression of “reality” as effortlessly as breathing. With less effort then it takes to think a single word. I have found myself. I am reality.
The dream reality comes back into more focus, and I feel myself start to come down off the high and the love and awareness dims. I see myself reflecting in a mirror and I stare at my eyes and connect to my being there in this state. There is a real struggle for awareness that in any second could be a lucid dream, but I think what I am realizing about myself and my interconnectedness with the experience at hand is more important.
I smile and turn back to the guy in the dream, he’s looking at me and asks, “Are you alright? You just stopped and tripped out in the hallway for like 20 minutes.”
“I was just having a ‘me’ moment. I shouldn’t have experimented with those drugs.”, I tell him.
My wife shows up and she is looking for me. “What have you been up to? I have been looking all over for you?”, she asks.
“Nothing, I was just waking up and getting ready to come home.”, I explain.
I start flipping through pictures in my cell-phone of the party from the other night. I see the images of the girls in the Circus du Soliel like outfits and my wife grabs the phone.
“I want to see.”, she says.
“I didn’t want you too because you are going to get all jealous and think that I was with one of these girls.”, I tell her.
“Well where you?”, she asks.
“No, they were just at the party and I took pictures because of the costumes. I just drank and had a good time. I wish you could have been there it was a blast.”, I tell her.
She is angry, steaming over the fact I had some women photographed. It didn’t matter that they were in costume and looked like living art. I could tell she was fuming and thinking that I am cheating on her and somehow my having this party was another reason to be unhappy with me.
“You can’t get angry at me for going out any more then I can get angry with you. I didn’t cheat, I just had some fun.” I tell her.
She doesn’t care, she’s too caught up in her fears to listen and we walk to our car, the kids are inside and I wake up.
I had to go sleep on the couch and by the time I wrote the above it was sun-rise and that certainly made it difficult to sleep. That said. I did manage to dream. In the dream I was in Vancouver with my Wife driving. We seemed to continue on with the above dream but just argued with each other.
She was also upset about my interests in dreams and I told her, “In your negative attitude with all your unimportance you throw my interests in dreaming, and for as long as you have known me… have you ever for once considered that it was important to me?”
Dream arguments are always so dramatic, it’s true in waking reality my wife really doesn’t support my interests in dreams one bit. I don’t blame her.
I woke up again from sunlight and just made some mental notes of the above dream. No clock so no time estimates.
In this dream, I was with a news reporter who was female. There was a camera man and I was in New York. We were walking on a street and it was early morning.
She said, “We are with Ian Wilson, author of a new book called “You Are Dreaming” and we are spending the morning with him in what he calls a dream.”
“It is a beautiful morning, you have really nice weather in New York.”, I tell her.
“How do you like New York?”, she asks.
“I love it, it’s an amazing city. It feels a lot warmer here in the mornings then back in Canada.”, I tell her.
We are walking over to a Burger King for breakfast, I can see it facing me as we are walking. She has a hand held microphone with a white foam tip. I remember as we walked having it bump into my mouth and I could feel the soft foamy texture.
“So tell me, how is all of this a dream?” she asks.
“Well, at first glance we think that it’s anything but a dream. That is because our belief-system does not allow us to see the very obvious fact that this is a dream.”, I tell her.
She looks around and smiles at me, “It certainly looks real to me.”
“This is what I try to explain in my book, that our belief in reality rejects dreams as having any relevance and relationship to what reality actually is. However through dreaming we see the very mechanics at work by which thought is organized into a dream and depending on how we perceive and remember that process when we wake up and time passes we can catch a glimpse of this mechanic when the dream actualizes and comes true.” I tell her.
“So you are saying that everything is real, dreams and reality?”, she asks.
“Yes. Reality doesn’t just happen in our physical world but also occurs in our dream world. We need to understand that the idea of reality has to encompass more then just physical reality. Dreams are a type of reality also”, I tell her.
We walk into the Burger King and the management has made sure we can go right to the counter and order. I order an ice cream cone for breakfast. Everyone looks at me weird and I say, “Relax, it’s a dream.” and I smile and take a bite.
She finishes off her story, “So there you have it, ice cream breakfast with dreamer Ian Wilson in what he calls a remarkable dream.” and finishes off.
When we are done she asks if I am actually going to eat that ice cream cone.
“Sure, I like ice-cream. It tastes good.”, and I walk out with her eating the cone.
I walk past a fence with some dogs and people outside and stop to say hi. And wake up.